


Dysphoria

by suzyjuuzou



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Gen, Tokyo Ghoul Spoilers, Tokyo Ghoul: re, i never give him a break, poor suzy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 05:01:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3597282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suzyjuuzou/pseuds/suzyjuuzou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things have steadied. Juuzou has adjusted to working with a new partner and even enjoys his time with the CCG. But after visiting Shinohara in the hospital, he receives some shocking news from a friend that leaves him anything other than steady.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dysphoria

At first glance, the boy looks young and innocent. Juuzou has an aura that practically screams that he's stuck as a child. On the other hand, though, when one looks closer, it can be seen that he's none of the above. His youth and innocence were stripped from him before he had the chance to experience them. Where he might seem childlike, he's actually grown up all too quickly. The happy sparkle in his eye is dulled by a dark circle underneath, highlighting exhaustion and stress. An almost feminine giggle has dark, twisted undertones and a beaming grin is framed by lips that naturally desire to rest as a frown. 

Messy, black hair that looks to have never been graced by the touch of a hairbrush frames his face as he leans over. He rests his chin on arms that are folded over the side of a hospital bed. "Shinohara-san," Juuzou starts out loud, but decides that, with Hanbee listening behind him, it might be best to continue in his head. 

_I didn't quite understand true loneliness until now_ , Juuzou thinks. _I had been alone before, but with no one there for me to begin with, it was a different kind of alone. Even now, when I have more people on my side than ever before, it's still quite lonesome without you._

Juuzou wants to blame Shinohara for these feelings he has. He wants to be mad at his superior for allowing the One-Eyed Owl to do this to him, but he knows that being mad won't bring him back. He knows his anger is misdirected.

He turns his head, pushing his face into the sheets and lacing his fingers behind his neck. His fingers go pale at how hard he's squeezing them together. Hanbee only hears an elongated, muffled moan when Juuzou says, "I miss you."

Juuzou reluctantly gets up after that and turns on his heel. "Let's go back to headquarters. We have friends waiting for us," he suggests, offering Hanbee a toothy grin. 

He skips out of the room and down the hall, but his step lacks its usual bounce. That toothy grin he gave Hanbee wasn't quite as sparkling as normal. His eyes lacked any sparkle. 

Hanbee doesn't even notice. 

Shinohara would have. 

Haise does. 

He notices almost immediately, actually. After greeting him warmly, Juuzou fails to excitedly run to him. In fact, he hardly acknowledges Haise at all. Juuzou has a smile on his face like usual, but his eyes are locked on to something in the distance. 

"Is Juuzou-san doing well?" Haise asks Hanbee when he gazes over to see Juuzou distracted by sweets. They had been left on his desk by Haise only a matter of seconds before Juuzou had walked in. 

Hanbee nods politely. "The boss is as usual."

"Alright," Haise replies, but he knows otherwise. "Would you mind doing me a favor? Could you find First-Class Mado and remind her of 'that thing with Sasaki,' please? She'll know what you are talking about." 

He purposefully remains vague, knowing full well that Akira actually won't know what Hanbee means. Haise hopes it will give him more time alone to talk to Juuzou. 

Hanbee immediately agrees and sets off to find Akira.

Juuzou is swinging his legs in his chair, humming happily and chewing when Haise finally turns his gaze back to him. The tune is chipper and Haise can't quite figure out what it is, but he has a fleeting feeling that the lyrics are sadder than the melody allows you to believe. In a way, it's fitting for Juuzou. 

Haise crouches in front of Suzuya's desk, leaning his elbows on it and then resting his chin on laced fingers. "How are they? I made them differently this time." 

"Very, very good! Thank you!" Juuzou explains. His face lights up with a smile like the sun, but it's still eclipsed with a twinge of sadness. 

Haise contemplates beating around the bush to slowly pry out what is wrong, but he knows that Juuzou will miss the point. Instead, he decides to be blunt. "What's wrong, Juuzou?"

It's hardly noticeable, but there's a stutter in Juuzou's smile and swinging feet. It was just the smallest pause; however, Haise sees it as though he completely froze for an entire moment of time. "What do you mean? I'm great! I'm having a really good day." Juuzou even adds on a small giggle for an added effect. 

Juuzou is panicking a little on the inside, though he refuses to let it show. He's smiling, but he wants to glare at Haise, tell him to leave, and tell him to quit asking questions. He's tired of people constantly bothering him. Haise is practically Juuzou's best friend, if Juuzou has any sense of what a best friend should be, but he's still irritated to the point where the desire to snap at him is excruciating. 

Or maybe Juuzou knows that he's just being defensive because there is nothing harder for him to do than to talk about Shinohara. He wants to save himself the embarrassment of showing weakness when he knows that has been so strong up to this point. He's been such a _good boy_ , he thinks. 

There's a tightening in Juuzou's chest when he realizes the thought that ran through his head, and it causes him to look clearly uncomfortable. Haise notices the sudden discomfort and is reassured of his assumptions. 

"You can trust me, Juuzou," Haise starts. "Is this about Shinohara-san? I heard a rumor that the doctors were pulling the plug today and-"

Juuzou's stomach drops to his feet. Any childlike demeanor vanishes into thin air and the boy looks much older than he actually is. He stands up slowly, but it still feels too fast. Suddenly, the floor is the ceiling and the walls are moving and the sweets he ate are threatening to show themselves again in a less desirable form. "Can you repeat that?" He tries to say, but it comes out high pitched and broken. 

"Juuzou?" Haise calls out to him, voice laced with concern and regret. He reaches out a hand to try and stabilize his friend, but Juuzou pushes his hand away and stumbles towards the door. 

He's reaching for something, anything he can to support his weight, as it suddenly feels like his prosthetic isn't there and maybe his real leg isn't either. Juuzou gets to the door as Hanbee opens it to come in. 

"Boss?" Hanbee asks, reaching out just as Haise had. Again, Juuzou pushes the hand away. 

"Pulling the plug" repeats over and over in his head.

When the meaning sets in, Juuzou runs. 

"Suzuya-san!" Hanbee exclaims, positioning himself into a stance that says he's about to chase after him. Haise rushes and grabs Hanbee's arm, though. 

"Let him go."

\---

Juuzou violently presses the elevator button seven times, and then an eighth for good measure. After the doors don't immediately open, he takes off for the stairs.

He takes them two at a time, three at a time, until he's ascended six flights and his heart is racing. It feels like it's going to explode. Juuzou's not so opposed to the idea. 

The hallway that Shinohara's room is in appears to stretch before Juuzou's eyes, and he begins to feel dizzy again. "I can't do this," he whispers to himself. 

Everything is surreal at this point. The lights seem to dim, all except for the one directly in front of the door he needs to enter. Light pours from the cracks around it. Juuzou remains in the stairwell. His feet are bolted to the floor. 

He gets that feeling like his legs aren't there anymore again as he takes hesitant steps in the direction of his former partner. 

"I don't want to be here anymore," he says. Then he repeats it over and over. Out loud or not, he isn't sure, but the phrase continues. 

_I don't want to be here anymore._

Halfway there.

_I don't want to be here anymore._

The hallway narrows.

_I don't want to be here anymore._

He's laughing to himself, but there's a lump in his throat that he can't seem to swallow and his eyes sting.

The doorknob burns his calloused fingertips. He doesn't open the door. There are whispers from inside. A steady beeping that's become all too familiar over the past two and a half years floods his ears and becomes all that Juuzou can focus on. He echoes the sound in his head.

"Are we ready?"  
_Beep._

A slight twist of the wrist.  
_Beep._

Mrs. Shinohara's voice whispers, "It's for the best, right?"  
_Beep._

He cracks the door just as the switch is flipped and the line goes flat. 

Something inside of him turns off, too. A familiar feeling of not caring whether he lives or dies resurfaces. 

He shuts the door.

_I don't want to be here anymore._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm at a loss for ideas as to what to write next. I'm open to any pairings and any situations, so if anyone would like to leave a prompt, I'm more than willing to attempt to write something for it. Thanks for reading!


End file.
